The cold seawater lapped at our ankles as we walked along the beach, drawing occasional gasps from me. Keith was quite oblivious to the cold; he had a much stronger constitution in that sense. The winds were decidedly chilly with winter fast approaching and for a moment my mind wandered to another time when winter meant more than just the coldness in the air. That made me suddenly melancholy.

A mental time check made me realize that Keith and I would be spending our fourth Christmas together. Well, not exactly together, but I’ve known Keith that long. The first Christmas we had just met, and he had already made plans to be with his family, so we could not be together. We fought just before our second so we spent that Christmas apart, and by the third he had already moved out. All we’ve had so far were failed Christmases, as far as our relationship went. So in a way, this year would be our first Christmas together.

I saw Keith look over at me and his hand tugged at mine. I smiled back, pulling him closer. He threw a furtive glance round us before moving obediently to my side. Not many people were mad enough to venture out to the beach at this time of the year. We both loved this little spot, where it was secluded and the winds were sharp enough to bite, and this side of the beach was practically ours. Here, in this little part of our world, at this particular time of the year, we were able to walk hand in hand in broad daylight, and kiss, and no one gave a damn.

We came back to our blanket, which had been weighed down with our picnic basket and a couple of rocks, and we both collapsed onto it, giggling like silly schoolboys as I wrapped my arms around Keith to keep us both warm.

‘Are we insane, Dusty?’ Keith asked happily.

‘Very likely … Hmm …’ I nuzzled Keith’s neck, breathing in deeply as a sudden urgent, knife-jacking wave of emotion hit me. My arms tightened around him, and he craned his neck to look back in surprise.

‘Dust?’

I whispered into his ears. ‘Do you know how much I love you?’

He leaned back against me, smiling knowingly, his eyes doing things to make my stomach clench. I reached into the picnic basket and brought out another thicker blanket – we were well prepared if nothing else – and threw it over us. Under its protective privacy, I pushed Keith down on his side, my arm pinning him firmly to the sandy surface while I snuggled up behind him.

‘Are you warm enough, darling?’ I asked.

‘Umm.’ Keith murmured contentedly and he let me turn his head around so I could kiss him. Full on the lips. My tongue pried his mouth open and explored him thoroughly, intimately. I threw one leg over him, imprisoning him. He opened up to me at once, responding to my advances. Our hands started to wander and to unbutton and unzip. Clothes were pushed out of the way. This would not be the first time we made love on this beach. We had done it before when we first met, when the thrill of new love made us daring enough to take silly risks. Those had been some wild times, mostly roller coaster rides with Keith.

Keith was panting by the time I released his mouth and I could feel my own mounting passion, with Keith’s hands working skillfully between our bodies. He leaned up and demanded another kiss. Our mouths locked once again, as we both urgently fondled and squeezed and stroked. I tore my mouth away to gasp for breath, and then I came. My hands tightened around Keith’s erection and I heard him exclaim and arch into me, thrusting his hips against my palm. Keith muttered a strangled ‘ah’, then he too climaxed.

He sank down next to me, closing his eyes with a contented sigh. I grabbed some tissues and wiped us off. By the time I was done, Keith was already half asleep. I pulled the thick blanket over us more securely, wrapped my arms around my sleeping lover, and leaned my chin against the back of Keith’s head. I listened to his steady breathing; my own eyes became drowsy, as my mind wandered back in time – remembering …

* * *

It was a pre-Christmas party and the mood was boisterous and loud. Drinks were flowing freely and the atmosphere became more charged as the night wore on. Across the room, I watched him. I had noticed him almost from the beginning, when I first arrived at the party.

He was blond and golden and vibrant and so godamn sexy. The attraction was instant and intense. For the next hour, my eyes surreptitiously followed him around. I was at the party with Steve, whom I was seeing casually. Steve and I would hook up every few weeks, have dinner, or catch a movie, then we would go back to either one of our places and have sex. Nothing permanent, nothing serious. He was easy to be with and we had more or less the same interests and we enjoyed one another’s company. We were both also of the same opinion that before we tumbled into bed with someone, we needed some form of connection first. We were pretty free agents, true, we could cancel our appointments if something else came up, or to see other people if we wanted. But at least we weren’t strangers. Yeah, I guess it was kind of a loose set up, and I knew it wouldn’t really last very long, but while it was there, it served a purpose for us both at a time when we needed it.Therefore even though I had gone to the party with Steve, I felt no real guilt eyeing another guy half the evening.

Steve wandered among friends, happy with the music and the alcohol, and winked at me when he caught me more than once with my attention fixed on that blond head. I slapped his teasing hands away and asked him to find out who Blondie was.

‘That cute darling?’ Steve raised his eyebrows, looking across the room.

I nodded affirmatively and Steve disappeared.

He re-appeared a few minutes later, and my heart jumped as I saw him come forward with Blondie in tow, a wide grin pasted on his face. ‘Dustin, I’d like you to meet Keith Fenton.’ Steve said, in a mock serious tone. ‘Keith, Dustin Chase.’

I felt my face flush, but held out a hand as calmly as possible.‘Hello Keith,’ I said.

‘Hi Dustin.’ His voice was slightly teasing as well, which made me wonder what in hell Steve had said to him.

I stared daggers at Steve, who just shrugged unrepentantly and continued to grin at me.

‘Nice party,’ I said weakly.

‘Um …’ Keith replied, peeping at me through his lashes.

Thankfully, just then Steve was hailed by some friends. He gave me a squeeze on the arm, put his mouth to my ear, and whispered ‘Good Luck Babe!’, then aloud, he said nonchalantly, ‘Have fun, you two!’ and he swaggered over to the group by the bar.

Keith stole another look at me and it was so impish that I forgot the awkwardness and just laughed at him. I found Keith very engaging. He was confident and witty and I found myself relaxing. I was normally a pretty reticent person, preferring to stay in the background in social gatherings and parties. Keith was the opposite. He was obviously very popular and knew tons of people at the party. We got interrupted often, but he stayed by my side – to my surprise and pleasure – and always resumed our conversation when the other person had moved away.

‘Look,’ I said at one point, ‘if you’d rather … I mean if there’s somewhere you need to be … um …’

‘I’m cool. Why? Do YOU need to be somewhere else?’ Keith asked, and again I had the distinct impression he was teasing me.

I looked down for a moment, smiled and then blurted out. ‘Well, I wouldn’t mind being somewhere else if you want to skip out of this too …?’

We left together, after I apologized to Steve, who waved me cheerfully away. Keith drove us in his little red sports car since I had come with Steve. We found a quiet little coffee place and stayed up talking till dawn. I had opened my eyes at his hot car when he guided me to it, and he said casually that it was a graduation gift from his father. I learnt much later that he was the only son of Thomas Bruce Fenton, a prominent social figure and wealthy businessman. Keith gave none of that away though. He steered the conversation away from anything even remotely connected to his family and talked mostly of sports and people he knew and his favorite haunts.

By the time we got up to leave, I had a pretty fair notion of how this lad spent his time; he slept late, his short days were filled with sports and games, and the evenings usually found him at some club or bar. I managed to not shake my head at him, kept my thoughts to myself (who was I anyway?), and allowed my senses to drown in his smoky blue eyes and sexy smile.

He dropped me off at my place and idled the car, looking a little shyly at me. I released the safety belt but did not immediately open the car door.

‘Well,’ I said, hesitating.He waited for me to continue, a definite twinkle in his eye.‘I … er … enjoyed the evening. Very much so!’ I said sincerely.

‘So did I,’ he replied quickly. ‘You got a number I can call to get in touch?’

YES!

‘Yeah, sure,’ I said casually, fishing my card out rather clumsily. ‘Here, it’s got my office and mobile numbers on it. I hope we can … let’s do this again … soon ….’

I cursed silently as I slipped out of the car. I think I sounded no better than a teenager out on a first date. I watched him drive off, and then slowly walked into the house. I wasn’t sure what I felt, but it was the first time I had felt that way. Looking back, I guess I would say I had fallen in love.

* * *

I felt Keith’s nudge and looked down at him. His sleepy eyes were barely open, and he was regarding me curiously through drowsy slits. ‘What’s wrong?’ he murmured. ‘You were miles away.’

‘Nothing, babe,’ I smiled at him. ‘We should get going – the sun is almost down. Are you quite frozen, darling?’

‘No …’ Keith stretched languidly. ‘I feel warm against you. I don’t mind the cold when you hold me. Do we have to go now? I love it here.’

I pulled him against me tighter, dropping a kiss on his head. ‘Me too. But it’s too cold to stay out any longer. Can’t have a frozen brat on my hands. Come on now, let’s pack up.’

We folded the blankets, collected our basket and headed back to the car, struggling a little against the whipping wind. It was a forty minute drive home and our hands strayed back and forth one another just to touch, to feel. We were snug and nicely warmed by the car heater, glad to be out of the cold. We were comfortable in our silence and in one another’s familiarity. And I was feeling horny again! There was something about cold days that made me want to snuggle up and make love.

By the time we arrived home, the sun was already gone. We entered the house by way of the kitchen, groping blindly for the light switch and stumbled laughingly against one another. We were pleased with the world and everything in it. It was one of those days which could very easily slip pass us as unremarkable, and yet made up the essence of life. The kind of day where if you really thought about it, you would realize how good it was, and you would treasure it as a perfect memory.

We had just put everything back in place – with much grumbling from Keith as he wanted to just sprawl and watch TV – when the phone rang.

‘I’ll get it,’ Keith announced immediately, using the excuse to disappear into the living room to answer the call. I tried to swat him as he skipped past me but he was too quick and my hand came up empty.

I grinned at him, and turned into the kitchen to prepare us some dinner. My stomach growled as I busied myself at the fridge, pulling out food containers and the ready made frozen rolls which I could simply pop into the oven. I heard Keith’s muffled voice in the distance, his occasional exclamations and excited laughter, and I felt happy

* * *

We began seeing one another. The following weeks were the happiest in my life. Every time the phone rang, my heart beat faster. We saw one another practically every day for two weeks, except for the Christmas break. He already had plans to go home for Christmas and for reasons I have now come to understand, he could not include me. So I spent the holidays at John’s place instead, all the time thinking about Keith and missing him.

It was ridiculous; we had known one another barely two weeks and already I was feeling like some part of me was incomplete without him. In my weaker moments, I found myself doubting if Keith felt the same way. A few times I picked up my phone to call him, but resolutely made myself put it down, not wanting to look too needy. Heck, he was not even my boyfriend – yet!I felt a quick surge of happiness when he called to say he was back in town, though I kept my tone casual.

I picked him up from his apartment and we went for a long slow drive. All the way to the beach; this would later become one of our favorite haunts. It was deserted of course. We braved the winds and went for a walk, cheeks numbing in seconds. As we turned to trudge our way up the sandy banks to the car, I looked back at Keith trailing a couple of steps behind me.

Impulsively, I held out my hand to him. His head jerked up in surprise, his eyes opening wide. Time stood frozen for a moment. I smiled at him, he ducked his head, and then he put his hand into mine, blushing self-consciously.Our physical encounters over the last couple of weeks had been confined to handshakes, playful slaps on the back, or the casual arm brushing against one another, that sort of thing. And a few quick goodnight kisses. Nothing more intimate. Strangely enough we had never actually held hands, and certainly never in public.

Feeling a bit dizzy, my hand tightened around his cold one, and we continued to walk together, hand in hand for the first time. All I could think of then was the feel of Keith’s hand in mine, how right it felt, how perfectly it fit. Some people may not regard holding hands to be such a big deal, but it was for me. Fingers touching intimately in public was like a secret, sacred union. An affirmation of commitment and a definitive declaration. I guess it was finally a solemnization of ‘us’. That night, we made love for the first time.

* * *

‘Dusty, It’s Brad. He wants to talk to you.’

Keith handed me the cordless phone, then hung around the kitchen, trying to eavesdrop, as I talked to my baby brother. Brad was almost twenty five years old, and I still thought of him as that.

‘Brad! How are you doing buddy?’ I asked while my hands were busy with the rolls, the phone trapped between my ear and shoulder. Brad and I kept in touch pretty routinely, calling one another at least once a month, so I thought nothing of the call.

‘Ok, I guess.’

My ears pricked up at his tone. ‘What’s wrong?’

Brad was six years younger than me, and he was only ten years old when our parents died. I had assumed responsibility for him and Shaun - the brother between us - and even though all three of us had moved in with an aunt, I had been their main source of strength and stability. That had never changed between Brad and me, though Shaun had grown apart from both of us over the years.

‘Nothing … well, life kinda sucks right now …’ his voice trailed off.

I caught Keith’s eye on me; he was looking anxious. I pointed to the living room, indicating clearly that I wanted to talk to Brad in private. He pouted and I smacked him smartly on the backside to move him along. ‘Go,’ I mouthed, and Keith reluctantly left me alone.

Turning my attention back to the phone, I asked gently, ‘Is everything ok at work?’

‘Well yeah, sort of. The usual. Hate Mondays. Love Fridays. I just do it!’

I sighed. ‘And Joshua?’

Joshua was his current boyfriend, as far as I could remember. I had seen Brad go through a long line of ‘special friends’ and I had difficulty keeping up with them, especially now that we were living so far from one another.

‘Um … dunno, we split up some time ago.’

‘Oh? You didn’t mention that before … '

‘Didn’t I?’ He was way too casual about stuff like that and it did not sit well with me. One day, he would get burnt. Still, I could not coddle him all his life.

I said, ‘no, you didn’t.’

‘Old news, Dusty. ’

‘So … is there someone else?’ I heard Brad sigh – a long suffering sound indicating that he was carrying the weight of the world single-handedly upon his shoulders.

‘I think I am going straight. It’s much simpler.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Aha … so who’s been doing what to you now?’

I could picture him, his eyes devoid of guile and the picture of false innocence on his face. That was Brad’s own special amour or indeed charm if you will. He could be self-righteous when it suited him, he usually got away with things he should have been held accountable for, and he always caught his man.

‘You don’t know the half of it, Dusty.’

I sat down, elbows on the kitchen table, and propped my head up with one hand. ‘You wanna talk about it?’

‘Dusty, can I come visit?’ Brad asked, and I caught the tremor in his voice.

* * *

‘Don’t worry, Brad does not bite, I promise!’

Keith was unconvinced.We were waiting to pick Brad up at the airport. Keith had spoken to him a couple of times on the phone, but this would be the first time he was meeting any of my family. At least he was getting to meet them, I thought dryly to myself; I could not say the same about his family, who had remained mysteriously elusive till then.

I was right – the two of them hit it off right away. It took all of fifteen minutes for the ice to break. Brad spent a week with us and by the time he left, Keith thought of him as his friend more than as my brother. Which I guess was good, if I discounted Brad’s last evening with us when they sneaked off to the bar because I was working late, and the boys got pissed drunk together.

I gave Brad a stern scolding before I packed him off – then turned my attention to my own brat at home. I had been increasingly concerned about some of Keith’s nocturnal habits and thought this was as good a time as ever to address this. Keith’s temperament in those early days was volatile, to say the least. He had good days and he had bad days, and I had found him on a few occasions, either stone drunk or high on some drug or other, occasionally with no memory of what had occurred to bring him to such a pass. What scared me most – and Keith too, from the look in his eyes when he sobered up – was his loss of control.

Keith was alternating his time between my place and his, and we had reached a stage in our relationship where I thought I could be openly frank with him about how displeased I was about his behavior. I guess I was wrong. Keith took off in a fit of temper when I told him he was barred from drinking without me in future. We did not see one another for two whole days; he would not answer my calls. I debated whether I should go look for him but eventually decided to let him work off his tantrum on his own. I had learnt the hard way that Keith had a strong tendency to do the direct opposite when confronted. In a way, he was spiraling out of control and I could see it but had no idea how to handle him then.

I found him sitting on my doorstep two days later.I stopped and regarded him silently. He looked back, a little subdued but also not quite sorry.

‘Hi,’ he said softly.

‘Hi,’ I said.

We continued to stare at one another.‘You gonna let me in?’

I noted the challenge in his eyes. I sighed and opened the door. I jerked my head for him to follow me and we both faced one another in the hallway. Keith’s eyes wandered from my face to my shoes, back to my face, while I waited for him to speak first.

‘Aren’t you going to say something? Anything?’ He finally asked in frustration.

‘Why didn’t you answer my calls?’

‘Um!’

‘It is neither polite to run off in the middle of a discussion, nor to ignore the phone when you know very well someone is trying to get in touch with you.’ I said, rather severely.

His chin jutted out mutinously. ‘I was angry!’

‘And that is reason enough to behave in that way?’ I asked incredulously.

The chin was raised again and I resisted the urge to box his ears. ‘You were shouting at me,’ he declared sourly.

I thought back for a moment. ‘I told you it was stupid and dangerous to drink and drive. I told you I didn’t want you doing that again – getting drunk that is. And I told you not to drink anymore without me being present. But I did not shout at you.’

Keith scowled back at me. So I grabbed his arm and marched him into the living room and made him sit down with me on the sofa.

‘Listen,’ I said, facing him. ‘I was worried. OK? I was worried about the two of you, getting drunk, getting into trouble, or getting arrested. Maybe I did raise my voice - a little. You guys didn’t leave a note. I was just worried … I’m sorry if I sounded harsh to you, but I was afraid something had happened to you and I felt so helpless. Do you understand, Keith?’

Keith’s eyelashes fluttered and he nodded his head, suddenly miserable.‘You gave Brad hell!’

‘Brad … well, he is my little brother. I’ve been used to looking out for him all his life. He knew better, and to drag you along … well, he got it coming! He’s taken worse from me before. God, if he had played this trick on me when he was living with me …’

‘What? What would you have done?’I looked at Keith and raised one eyebrow.

‘He wouldn’t be sitting down properly for a week.’

Keith opened his mouth in shock then closed it again. ‘You … you spanked him?’

‘When he deserved it, yes I did. Now don’t you be telling him I told you that, you hear me?’

‘None of my business,’ he muttered.

‘Exactly!’ I said. ‘Now are you done with your tantrum, little boy? Hmm?’

His eyes flashed. ‘I was NOT throwing a tantrum, and I am NOT a little boy!’

I tried not to smile.

‘I am NOT!’ he insisted, and punched me in the ribs. Then we were in each other’s arms and the nasty little spat was all but forgotten as we hungrily kissed. We eventually surfaced for air. Keith laid his head on my shoulder and I absently stroked his cheek with my thumb, more glad that we had ‘made up’ than I knew how to say.

Keith squirmed. ‘I guess I ought to say sorry?’

I grunted. ‘I guess you ought to, babe. That was not very nice! And Keith, you don’t take off when we get into a spat either, you stay put so that we can work it out.’

‘OK,’ he said in a tiny voice.

‘And I still mean what I said – no more clubbing. Unless I am around to monitor your limits. You’ve been having too free a rein, darling.’

Keith visibly bristled. ‘I am not Brad, you know?’ he muttered under his breath.

‘No, count yourself lucky.’

Keith stiffened. ‘Are you always so bossy?’

‘Bossy?’ I pondered for a moment. ‘Well, let me put it this way. If I see you doing something that is harmful, I am NOT going to keep my mouth shut. So if that is bossy …’

‘So what would you do if I didn’t do as you asked?’

I didn’t exactly know the answer to that one. So instead I said. ‘You scare me sometimes, do you know? I hate it when you disappear without telling me, go out and get high, get drunk, and I don’t even know where you are or who you are with.’

Keith looked contrite.‘I want you to promise me - no bars, no clubbing, unless we go together or you are with someone I approve of. Can you do that?’

Keith turned his head and buried his face into my chest. ‘I don’t know,’ he muttered.

I wrapped my arms around him. ‘Why don’t you know?’

He shook his head. ‘I have no self control?’

I looked down at the fair head on my chest, and almost chuckled. ‘Of course you have, darling. Everyone does. It’s a matter of choice.’

‘Can’t I choose to enjoy myself then?’

‘Not when it’s something that is bad for you. Not when it’s harmful to your well-being.’ I made a sudden decision. ‘And not when I tell you NO.’

He sucked in his breath and released a strangled choke into my chest. I pried Keith off me, and looked into his eyes. They looked lost, confused. ‘Has anyone ever told you NO before?’

He shrugged.

‘Keith, were you ever disciplined as a kid?’ I asked curiously. As usual, every time I brought up his childhood or his family, he looked uncomfortable.

‘Yeah, I suppose, I mean who hasn’t been… kinda I guess …’

‘There is no ‘kinda’ discipline, my boy. Either you were or you were not!’

A sudden look of mischief lighted up his eyes. ‘If I made my Dad mad enough, he would send me to my room or ground me. Then when he was gone – and he was gone a lot! – I would just continue to do what I wanted. No sweat. He never found out; or if he did, he never said anything. He never cared.’

I thought about his words for a moment, and then asked carefully. ‘Keith, have you ever been really punished?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean punishment that is for real. Not just lip service like what your dad did. For example, if I grounded you, I would expect you to STAY GROUNDED.’

‘Oh! And if I didn’t …? I saw Keith hold his breath while he waited for me to answer.

My eyes bored into his and saw the mixture of fear and anticipation in them. ‘A more serious punishment would follow, and after that, you would still be grounded. You wouldn’t get away with it – no chance in hell!’

‘And by ‘more s..serious punishment’, you mean … ?’

I tilted his chin up and kissed his nose. ‘Yes baby, I mean a spanking. A serious no nonsense punishment-type spanking. Not for fun, not as a game. A real spanking that would hurt. It is meant to correct behavior. And it makes you accountable for your actions.’

Keith stared at me a little fearfully. ‘I know people … couples … who have that in their relationship.’ He licked his lips, suddenly nervous.

‘It works well when one partner admits that he needs help to stay on a certain course or behavior, and the other partner agrees to help him stay on course’.

Keith’s voice shook. ‘Do I … um, you think I need help?’

‘What do you think?’ I asked gently.

Keith looked down, avoiding my eyes. ‘There are times when I feel … like I have to get away from it all. His eyes darted up at me. ‘I hate it when I lose control.’

‘I know that, sweetheart.’

He said very softly, ‘I get scared sometimes, not remembering what I’ve done the night before.’

I hugged Keith close, wanting to feel his body against mine. ‘I’m not going to let you hurt yourself in this way, darling. I don’t want you drinking or doing drugs, recreational or otherwise. I am telling you not to do this because it’s harmful to your body and to your mind and because I love you. If you can’t do it on your own, then I’d like to help you do it. That is if you agree.’

He was silent for a long moment, his head bowed again. I could feel his heart pounding and I rubbed my hand along his arm. Finally he said, ‘so you tell me what to do, and if I don’t, you get to … to punish me?’

‘Basically, yes. We’ll decide what acceptable behavior is. We decide what the limits are. In certain areas, however, you will need to trust me to make sole decisions for you, to decide unilaterally what is good for you, what is allowed and what is not.’

‘So for example, if I get stoned, you will spank me?’

‘Since I’ve told you explicitly not to, then yes. If you go out without my knowledge, and get stoned after I’ve told you not do it, then in essence you have broken our agreement and yes, I will spank you.’

'Yes, I understand - consequences for bad decisions.’ He drew in a deep breath. ‘And when does this end? When do I get to decide what I can or cannot do on my own again?’

‘Some people make it part of their lives, babe. Because they like the arrangement, because it works for them. We could try it out and see if this works for us and whether we want to continue doing this. But during the trial period, there will be no turning back. You can’t decide to back out if I catch you doing something you ought not to be doing. You can’t decide you do not want to go through with the punishment when one is due. You understand what I am saying, darling?’

‘Yes.’

‘So do we have an agreement?’

Slowly, Keith nodded his head.

* * *

Keith was excited when he heard that Brad was visiting, but he also sensed that something was wrong. He tried to worm information out of me.

‘I don’t know, honey,’ I said, tousling his hair. ‘Why don’t you ask him when he arrives tomorrow.’

Keith muttered something rude under his breath, but made no protest when I asked him to pick Brad up at the airport on Friday evening because I had an appointment I could not reschedule. By the time I got home, Keith had started dinner and he and Brad were sitting comfortably around the kitchen table. I pulled Brad to me and gave him a strong hug. I hadn’t seen him in almost six months, and I missed the kid.

I pushed him away, holding him at arms length, and peered into his face. ‘So how you doing huh?’ I asked.

‘I’m good. Good to be here and glad to see you both again. Just needed to feel … a bit of home!’ Brad said with a dramatic sigh.

Keith and I exchanged a look.I said, ‘Let me get out of these clothes, then we can have dinner and catch up. What you cooking sweetheart? It smells good.’Keith had actually improved his cooking skills and came up with some surprises every now and then – good surprises, that is.

He got up to stir the pot and grinned back cheekily at me. ‘It’s a surprise!’

‘Yeah, that’s because he has no idea what he just made,’ Brad said dryly and Keith laughed.

I left the two of them to their friendly banter and went up to have a quick shower and change. Dinner was amiable and relaxing, with all of us enjoying Keith’s thick chicken and potato stew. I opened up a bottle of wine and we lingered over it, chatting easily with one another.

‘So what happened with Joshua?’ I asked casually.

Brad shrugged his shoulders, like a duck brushing the water off its back. ‘We woke up one morning, and decided it wasn’t going to work. He packed up his stuff and moved out.’

‘Aha,’ I said, a little wearily. Brad, like me, had accepted his homosexuality at an early age, and unlike me, had gone confidently forward to tumble into first one gay relationship then another, with the ease of a watermelon rolling down a hill. And like the said watermelon, when it landed, it invariably got bruised and cracked.

‘So is there someone else now?’ I asked, a little fearfully.

Keith got up and started to clear the dishes. I knew Keith was a little uncomfortable with Brad’s cavalier attitude towards changing partners. I was infinitely grateful that even though Keith socialized freely, he was always selective about his partners. Very much like Steve and me.

‘I don’t really know. I am not sure what is happening actually …’

I tried not to shake my head at him. ‘What IS happening?’ I pursued. If he needed to take time off work and fly all the way to see us, I was sure something was brewing. ‘You in any kind of trouble?’ I finally asked when he remained quiet.

‘No,’ he said, but not very convincingly.

‘Keith darling, why don’t you go on up and shower? Leave the rest, I’ll clear up.’

Keith shot me a venomous glare, but took himself off.

‘All right Brad,’ I said, ‘what have you done?’

He twirled his wine glass around and kept his eyes lowered. ‘Haven’t done anything … I just feel weird.’

‘Start from the top,’ I ordered firmly.

It wasn’t difficult to get Brad to talk. He was much easier prey than Keith, who could keep an obstinate silence for days if he was so inclined. He peered at me from below his lashes and said. ‘After Joshua, I just felt – like something was wrong with me.’

‘How wrong?’

‘Well, have you noticed that all my ‘gay’ relationships fail?’

I looked up at the white ceiling but kept silent.

‘Something always happens and nothing works out. Maybe it’s me; maybe I’m not meant to be with guys! I just got tired of it all.’

‘And what caused this sudden insight, hm?’

‘Well, Shaun called and he gave me a REALLY tough time. You know how he is with people like us.’

I grinned suddenly. ‘People like us?’

‘Yeah … you know. He thinks it’s a matter of lifestyle choice – being gay I mean.’

I grunted. ‘He is entitled to his opinion. So since when has what he said mattered to you? Come to think of it, since when has what any of us said mattered enough to you to make you change your behavior?’

‘Aw c’mon! Don’t you be giving me a hard time as well. Shaun kept telling me how much it was my fault for hanging out with all the wrong kind of people. Like he has never made an ill judgment or taken a wrong step in his life,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘But it got me thinking. What if he’s right?'

‘Oh please!’ I said impatiently.

‘Shaun is so perfect! He has never down anything stupid, has he?’ Brad said with bitterness.

‘Of course he has - plenty of times. And you know it too, so don’t you be letting him tell you otherwise. Thing is, he is lucky to have found someone like Maggie. Marriage has been good for him. Maggie keeps him in line, that’s what I think!’

‘Yeah well, it didn’t stop him giving me a class A lecture – worse than any of yours, I might add – and telling me to reconsider my sexual orientation. Before I became a total failure, he said.’

‘What?’ I exclaimed, fuming inwardly. I would be having a few words with Shaun myself pretty soon. I wasn’t so much mad at Shaun for suggesting alternative options, as for him making Brad feel insecure.

‘Yes,’ Brad said in a sad voice, ‘and that’s what I did. I … um … decided to try dating girls …’

My mouth must have hung open, because Brad kept gesturing at me to close it.

‘I did,’ he affirmed dejectedly. ‘Went out with a few of them.’ He shuddered. ‘I tell ya! It’s too much work. They never tell you what they mean so you gotta figure it out. God! They can be SO sensitive. I just don’t understand how their minds work.’

I laughed. Brad looked at me crossly. ‘It’s not funny!’

‘You are right, I’m sorry!’ I said, making an effort not to laugh. ‘So, how did it go?’

Brad made a face. ‘Confusing most of the time. I kept checking out other guys – and thinking how cute they were. And then I’d remember I was on a date with a GIRL! It was terrible! Do you know what its like? There I was sitting opposite this girl – my date - and my eyes kept wandering off to this hot guy sitting at another table, who was eyeing me back! She got really mad and she didn’t even know why! She never caught on!’

‘Oh Brad!’ I said, my voice shaking.

I noticed Keith lingering in the hallway, and called out to him. I opened my arms, and he came willingly, allowing me to pull him onto my lap. I wrapped my arms around Keith and breathed in deeply, enjoying the feel of his freshly showered body. Brad looked a little wistful.

‘Hey kiddo,’ I said, in the voice I knew would draw Brad’s attention fully. ‘You listen to me. Only you know what you want to do with your life. Not Shaun. Not even me. You do what you feel comfortable doing. Date the girls if you want, or don’t date them if they don’t feel right for you. As long as you don’t hurt anyone, as long as you are honest with yourself - that’s all you have to worry about. I will handle Shaun.’

Brad sighed, and slumped back in his chair, looking tired and defeated. My heart went out to him. ‘Why don’t you go and get ready for bed? You’ve had a long day. We’ll talk some more tomorrow.’

Brad nodded and got to his feet.

After he had left the kitchen, I looked up at Keith and brushed the damp hair off his forehead. ‘Hey there.’ I said softly, looking into his troubled eyes.

‘Hey,’ he returned, and rested his head on mine. ‘I heard what Brad said.’

‘Yeah. He’s going through a rough time.’

Keith sighed. ‘Its terrible when your family expects you to be different.’

I rubbed his back sympathetically. ‘I know baby. That was how it was with you too, wasn’t it?’

Keith’s voice was low and held a note of pain. ‘Yes. They never understood either. They thought that if they talked to me enough about it, I would wake up one day and realized I was a straight guy.’

I held him tighter. We’d gone over this before and come to accept that some things could not be changed. ‘It’s ok babe. I’ve got you now.’

‘What can we do to help?’‘Being here with us helps, I guess. We’ll just listen, and let him talk through it. Only he knows the answer.’

* * *