‘Don’t worry, Brad does not bite, I promise!’

Keith was unconvinced.We were waiting to pick Brad up at the airport. Keith had spoken to him a couple of times on the phone, but this would be the first time he was meeting any of my family. At least he was getting to meet them, I thought dryly to myself; I could not say the same about his family, who had remained mysteriously elusive till then.

I was right – the two of them hit it off right away. It took all of fifteen minutes for the ice to break. Brad spent a week with us and by the time he left, Keith thought of him as his friend more than as my brother. Which I guess was good, if I discounted Brad’s last evening with us when they sneaked off to the bar because I was working late, and the boys got pissed drunk together.

I gave Brad a stern scolding before I packed him off – then turned my attention to my own brat at home. I had been increasingly concerned about some of Keith’s nocturnal habits and thought this was as good a time as ever to address this. Keith’s temperament in those early days was volatile, to say the least. He had good days and he had bad days, and I had found him on a few occasions, either stone drunk or high on some drug or other, occasionally with no memory of what had occurred to bring him to such a pass. What scared me most – and Keith too, from the look in his eyes when he sobered up – was his loss of control.

Keith was alternating his time between my place and his, and we had reached a stage in our relationship where I thought I could be openly frank with him about how displeased I was about his behavior. I guess I was wrong. Keith took off in a fit of temper when I told him he was barred from drinking without me in future. We did not see one another for two whole days; he would not answer my calls. I debated whether I should go look for him but eventually decided to let him work off his tantrum on his own. I had learnt the hard way that Keith had a strong tendency to do the direct opposite when confronted. In a way, he was spiraling out of control and I could see it but had no idea how to handle him then.

I found him sitting on my doorstep two days later.I stopped and regarded him silently. He looked back, a little subdued but also not quite sorry.

‘Hi,’ he said softly.

‘Hi,’ I said.

We continued to stare at one another.‘You gonna let me in?’

I noted the challenge in his eyes. I sighed and opened the door. I jerked my head for him to follow me and we both faced one another in the hallway. Keith’s eyes wandered from my face to my shoes, back to my face, while I waited for him to speak first.

‘Aren’t you going to say something? Anything?’ He finally asked in frustration.

‘Why didn’t you answer my calls?’

‘Um!’

‘It is neither polite to run off in the middle of a discussion, nor to ignore the phone when you know very well someone is trying to get in touch with you.’ I said, rather severely.

His chin jutted out mutinously. ‘I was angry!’

‘And that is reason enough to behave in that way?’ I asked incredulously.

The chin was raised again and I resisted the urge to box his ears. ‘You were shouting at me,’ he declared sourly.

I thought back for a moment. ‘I told you it was stupid and dangerous to drink and drive. I told you I didn’t want you doing that again – getting drunk that is. And I told you not to drink anymore without me being present. But I did not shout at you.’

Keith scowled back at me. So I grabbed his arm and marched him into the living room and made him sit down with me on the sofa.

‘Listen,’ I said, facing him. ‘I was worried. OK? I was worried about the two of you, getting drunk, getting into trouble, or getting arrested. Maybe I did raise my voice - a little. You guys didn’t leave a note. I was just worried … I’m sorry if I sounded harsh to you, but I was afraid something had happened to you and I felt so helpless. Do you understand, Keith?’

Keith’s eyelashes fluttered and he nodded his head, suddenly miserable.‘You gave Brad hell!’

‘Brad … well, he is my little brother. I’ve been used to looking out for him all his life. He knew better, and to drag you along … well, he got it coming! He’s taken worse from me before. God, if he had played this trick on me when he was living with me …’

‘What? What would you have done?’I looked at Keith and raised one eyebrow.

‘He wouldn’t be sitting down properly for a week.’

Keith opened his mouth in shock then closed it again. ‘You … you spanked him?’

‘When he deserved it, yes I did. Now don’t you be telling him I told you that, you hear me?’

‘None of my business,’ he muttered.

‘Exactly!’ I said. ‘Now are you done with your tantrum, little boy? Hmm?’

His eyes flashed. ‘I was NOT throwing a tantrum, and I am NOT a little boy!’

I tried not to smile.

‘I am NOT!’ he insisted, and punched me in the ribs. Then we were in each other’s arms and the nasty little spat was all but forgotten as we hungrily kissed. We eventually surfaced for air. Keith laid his head on my shoulder and I absently stroked his cheek with my thumb, more glad that we had ‘made up’ than I knew how to say.

Keith squirmed. ‘I guess I ought to say sorry?’

I grunted. ‘I guess you ought to, babe. That was not very nice! And Keith, you don’t take off when we get into a spat either, you stay put so that we can work it out.’

‘OK,’ he said in a tiny voice.

‘And I still mean what I said – no more clubbing. Unless I am around to monitor your limits. You’ve been having too free a rein, darling.’

Keith visibly bristled. ‘I am not Brad, you know?’ he muttered under his breath.

‘No, count yourself lucky.’

Keith stiffened. ‘Are you always so bossy?’

‘Bossy?’ I pondered for a moment. ‘Well, let me put it this way. If I see you doing something that is harmful, I am NOT going to keep my mouth shut. So if that is bossy …’

‘So what would you do if I didn’t do as you asked?’

I didn’t exactly know the answer to that one. So instead I said. ‘You scare me sometimes, do you know? I hate it when you disappear without telling me, go out and get high, get drunk, and I don’t even know where you are or who you are with.’

Keith looked contrite.‘I want you to promise me - no bars, no clubbing, unless we go together or you are with someone I approve of. Can you do that?’

Keith turned his head and buried his face into my chest. ‘I don’t know,’ he muttered.

I wrapped my arms around him. ‘Why don’t you know?’

He shook his head. ‘I have no self control?’

I looked down at the fair head on my chest, and almost chuckled. ‘Of course you have, darling. Everyone does. It’s a matter of choice.’

‘Can’t I choose to enjoy myself then?’

‘Not when it’s something that is bad for you. Not when it’s harmful to your well-being.’ I made a sudden decision. ‘And not when I tell you NO.’

He sucked in his breath and released a strangled choke into my chest. I pried Keith off me, and looked into his eyes. They looked lost, confused. ‘Has anyone ever told you NO before?’

He shrugged.

‘Keith, were you ever disciplined as a kid?’ I asked curiously. As usual, every time I brought up his childhood or his family, he looked uncomfortable.

‘Yeah, I suppose, I mean who hasn’t been… kinda I guess …’

‘There is no ‘kinda’ discipline, my boy. Either you were or you were not!’

A sudden look of mischief lighted up his eyes. ‘If I made my Dad mad enough, he would send me to my room or ground me. Then when he was gone – and he was gone a lot! – I would just continue to do what I wanted. No sweat. He never found out; or if he did, he never said anything. He never cared.’

I thought about his words for a moment, and then asked carefully. ‘Keith, have you ever been really punished?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean punishment that is for real. Not just lip service like what your dad did. For example, if I grounded you, I would expect you to STAY GROUNDED.’

‘Oh! And if I didn’t …? I saw Keith hold his breath while he waited for me to answer.

My eyes bored into his and saw the mixture of fear and anticipation in them. ‘A more serious punishment would follow, and after that, you would still be grounded. You wouldn’t get away with it – no chance in hell!’

‘And by ‘more s..serious punishment’, you mean … ?’

I tilted his chin up and kissed his nose. ‘Yes baby, I mean a spanking. A serious no nonsense punishment-type spanking. Not for fun, not as a game. A real spanking that would hurt. It is meant to correct behavior. And it makes you accountable for your actions.’

Keith stared at me a little fearfully. ‘I know people … couples … who have that in their relationship.’ He licked his lips, suddenly nervous.

‘It works well when one partner admits that he needs help to stay on a certain course or behavior, and the other partner agrees to help him stay on course’.

Keith’s voice shook. ‘Do I … um, you think I need help?’

‘What do you think?’ I asked gently.

Keith looked down, avoiding my eyes. ‘There are times when I feel … like I have to get away from it all. His eyes darted up at me. ‘I hate it when I lose control.’

‘I know that, sweetheart.’

He said very softly, ‘I get scared sometimes, not remembering what I’ve done the night before.’

I hugged Keith close, wanting to feel his body against mine. ‘I’m not going to let you hurt yourself in this way, darling. I don’t want you drinking or doing drugs, recreational or otherwise. I am telling you not to do this because it’s harmful to your body and to your mind and because I love you. If you can’t do it on your own, then I’d like to help you do it. That is if you agree.’

He was silent for a long moment, his head bowed again. I could feel his heart pounding and I rubbed my hand along his arm. Finally he said, ‘so you tell me what to do, and if I don’t, you get to … to punish me?’

‘Basically, yes. We’ll decide what acceptable behavior is. We decide what the limits are. In certain areas, however, you will need to trust me to make sole decisions for you, to decide unilaterally what is good for you, what is allowed and what is not.’

‘So for example, if I get stoned, you will spank me?’

‘Since I’ve told you explicitly not to, then yes. If you go out without my knowledge, and get stoned after I’ve told you not do it, then in essence you have broken our agreement and yes, I will spank you.’

'Yes, I understand - consequences for bad decisions.’ He drew in a deep breath. ‘And when does this end? When do I get to decide what I can or cannot do on my own again?’

‘Some people make it part of their lives, babe. Because they like the arrangement, because it works for them. We could try it out and see if this works for us and whether we want to continue doing this. But during the trial period, there will be no turning back. You can’t decide to back out if I catch you doing something you ought not to be doing. You can’t decide you do not want to go through with the punishment when one is due. You understand what I am saying, darling?’

‘Yes.’

‘So do we have an agreement?’

Slowly, Keith nodded his head.

* * *